“It’s harder to dig your heels in and think you’re right when you are pausing long enough to hear and see the burdens of those around you. ”
This weekend on Instagram I unintentionally played host to a conversation about COVID.
As you can imagine, that conversation wasn’t the easiest at times but it was extremely fulfilling and ultimately led to a more than 48-hour long conversation filled with many sharing their personal stories and experiences as it relates to the pandemic. Some were extremely disheartening and others offensive but all brought me to a place of deep thought and consideration.
If you’ve followed me for a while, you know this kind of conversation isn’t necessarily new for me and if you’re still here then you’ve likely leaned into many of them with me over the years. Thank you.
I thought it’d be helpful to share seven ways we can approach these kinds of conversations with a posture that invites others in and allows for healing.
PHOTOGRAPHY | TIARRA SORTE
A FEW THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN
NAVIGATING DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
Get curious. There are so any experiences in this world outside of our own. Get curious. Recognize that you have a singular experience that likely differs from most. One of the ways I am reminded to do this is if I am hearing something that makes me feel uncomfortable. There are so many opportunities these days to experience this. Instead of turning away from that feeling, it can be helpful to ask yourself some questions about what you are experiencing. Self reflection is critical when approaching any of these difficult convos.
Don’t assume you know. This one is pretty self explanatory but when speaking with someone about a personal situation in their lives or if they are sharing a lived experience, don’t assume you know what their experience is or what their thoughts are. Taking note from the first tip, get curious.
Dig deeper when possible. As you begin to sit with others or with yourself, don’t be afraid to dig a little deeper when possible. This takes practice as well as sensitivity and discernment but with a little courage, this can take conversations to a place of deep compassion and understanding. If self reflecting, it’s a work well worth diving into.
Listen with intent to understand, not win. This may be the most important of all. We lose so much and burn so many bridges when we are more focused on proving a point or ensuring our “rightness”. When conversing with someone, it is most helpful to have a soft heart posture (it’s not always easy) and listen with your heart instead of your emotions or stances. The goal is to achieve understanding, remain respectful and arrive at a place where you’ve grown in empathy for others.
Know when to back off. Sometimes it’s just not worth it. It doesn’t mean the person isn’t, it just means you’re not the one to build the bridge. That’s ok.
You’re probably going to offend someone. Don’t be afraid of that. This is not an excuse to be rude. This means that not everyone will agree with you. This, in my experience, also takes a lot of practice. It’s not always easy to tow the line and to hold words when necessary yet say what needs to be said even if it’s hard to hear. This is a gift and an art. It’s also okay to admit that it’s not your strong suit and bow out until a later time. Hurting someone with words filled with negative emotions for the sake of “getting it out” or “saying your peace” typically results in causing more damage than helping a situation.
Be thankful + show gratitude. This does not include situations where someone is abusive, aggressive or violent with their words. Even if you can’t come to an agreement, practice showing gratitude to others for sharing their stories and holding space with you. In my experience, this turns into mutual gratitude and growth for both sides.
This is obviously not an exhaustive list. I’d love to hear from you about your experiences and what you’ve learned as you’ve navigated these kinds of conversations as well.
Share in the comments below.
Thankful to get to grow with you all here, together.
XO,
Kennesha